Listen Linda, listen!

Sometimes I wonder why is it that I need an audience to witness my inner most thoughts and feelings
Truth is I don’t, but I like it
It’s like having virtual companions in the journey
To assure us that we are not alone in this tricky life
Or maybe I enjoy the fact that no matter how customizable our journeys are
They are essentially the same thing
Or maybe I like to be heard
And this is my platform

Now let’s get to the thoughts that are keeping me awake tonight
Life is very vast and quick
I mean days pass by very quickly
Months, years even
And after spending a year learning about Eucharist
It dawned to me
That Eucharist is not only about giving thanks
It is about living in communion with the lord
And sho! (my new African word for wow) does this life distract us
I mean living with the lord is hard mun!
Not because the road is narrow and all that
But because my attention span is what is narrow ;
After a good couple of years living with Christ

I found it was pretty easy to learn the lingo
Maneuver your way through different “gangs”
Master the popular issues
know all different schools, and who belongs where
Excel in this Christian life style

But when communion is forsaken
The real deal evaporates
And nothing else sustains
Not speaking about him, not singing about him, not complaining about it will do
Not watching godly people’s lives
There is only one thing that sustains
And that is learning to maintain the relationship
In the most mundane, boring, slow ways
It is really about shutting up
And listening
It’s all about fighting for space in your soul
Making time
It’s all about not sleeping this one extra hour to read the word
To shut up and listen
Waiting for the God who makes time for us
Waiting for the God who is willing to rescue us even when we decide to give up on him
A God who is too profound and his thoughts aren’t like ours (thank God)
So my prayer tonight
Is to learn to grow in the art of shutting up
And listening to the one whose words are life
“So shall my word be that goes forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.”

Amen.
Goodnight

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I am slow that I know .

I am slow that I know

Never slow to notice

Never slow to understand, analyze, observe

I don’t mean stupid, not even close

I am just slow in making decisions, slow in how things internalize within me

Slow in metabolism, slow in choosing which bag I like more,

Slow in choosing who I’ll spend the rest of my life with; slow in choosing who I want to become

Slow in choosing whether I want mocha latte or plain cappuccino

Slow in all the little, slow in the huge

And to tell you the truth, it makes me frustrated most of the time with myself

I envy those ones who know what they want, and how they want it

They seem to be sure that this blouse goes with this pair of pants

And this man/woman is their man/woman of their dreams the moment they laid their eyes on them

And in restaurants they always seem to know which food to order  

And they lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks of dieting, fair and square

And I envy them; it takes me usually around six month to lose 5 pounds

 

 

But here is what I discovered I am not just slow I am scared

And those people are not just quick they are brave

I know when it comes to metabolism; I am slowly learning to respect my pace

My metabolism reminds me of God in a way,

I just do my part, but they are sovereign I am telling you

At least in my case

You push and push, and keep walking

You breathe, you drink water and eat healthy and you rest well, and pray he shows up.

But he comes when he wants, and as surely as the sun rises you’ll lose the pounds

They ARE sovereign.

 

 But when it comes to my latte versus cappuccino

When it comes to a yes or a no in marriage

It is usually fear that holds me back

Creativity is really scary

I’ve only lately discovered how much I am scared about being creative in my choices

And as I observed the logic of my thoughts when taking decisions

As I tracked them and followed the process

I’ve discovered there is a pattern.

And the pattern goes something like that,

What if I miss out on the outcome of the other choice?

And the mystery of that thought is that I am almost always 100% sure, that the other choice is as fantastic as the other one

You give me a room and ask me to decorate

Or you give me a piece of paper and ask me to write

Or ask me out

And that is seriously how it usually goes in my mind, what if I miss out on the outcome of the other choice?

And then I look at those who are quick, and assume there must be a universal rule about what color matches blue that they all know but me.

Here I said it

I ,for years, believed not in a conscious way of course, but in a very deep down in my core way

That there is a universal law about how things work that I don’t know about

They all know but me.

It’s ridiculous I know, but that’s how it works in the inside of me

But I am glad that came out in the light now

I can wear blue with green, or green with yellow now

I am not saying its haphazard and all choices are the same,

But I am saying there isn’t a universal law, shoo!

I am saying that my consciousness can rest a bit, and that all choices are possible and beautiful

I am saying it doesn’t scare me anymore to be with someone, and that someone is beautiful

I am saying I can draw a sunflower on that plain piece of paper, and believe that if I have drawn a rose it would have been as beautiful

I am saying I can hush that universal law crap, and let the holy spirit lead and the beautiful me follow.

So breathe child

Life is but a dream

A vapor really in an eternal ocean

I can rest assured in that

Eternity

Where I won’t be limited and all choices can happen all at once!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I Hope You meet Her one Day

She is a beauty I am telling you

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Something else

Out of this world –Kinda of a woman

 It’s very exciting watching her live

The way she is full of life

Despite her age, she is one of the youngest I know

There is a good mysteriously satisfying feeling I get when I see her do life

The way she gets excited about getting a new earing  

Like a fourteen year old

Or about changing her hair color

The fact that she is first to notice my hair cut or my new shoes

Her wit and great sense of humor

 

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The way she is capable of transforming my car while driving in crazy Cairo

Into a time machine to the good old days

 

Feeding my imagination with images and pictures of how it felt like

And how it looked like back then

Sneaking into her room

And finding her all snuggled up reading a book

Or entering the kitchen finding her experiment with new spices and recipes

Imitating the Lebanese chef in his last episode

 

 

 

It somehow gives me courage to do life

She makes it feel like life after all isn’t that difficult

If you enjoy the sunlight, people, and coffee

All is well

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I love how she makes everything small feel like an exciting adventure

She follows beauty

She makes home

She digs deep to invest somewhere, something, sometime

And oh! The way She knows she is gorgeous

The unending stories of how her beauty broke hearts

Those twinkles in her eyes when she tells them, how rare?

And ah! I just love it

There is something so profoundly beautiful about a woman who loves who she is

I hope you meet her one day

Meet her among your friends

Meet her in your books

Meet her in your heart.

 

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Becoming That Woman

A good read

Theodora Goss

When I was growing up, when I was a teenager and then in my twenties, I had an image in my mind, of a woman. She was a woman I could never become, because she was so much more sophisticated than I was. She was the sort of woman who walked around European cities, with a scarf wrapped around her neck. She negotiated her way in English and probably French and who knew what other languages. She was beautiful and accomplished: she had done things and she knew it, and out of that came her confidence, her ability to walk through strange cities with a mysterious smile on her face. Looking as though she belonged, wherever she was in the world.

Yeah, you hate her too, right?

Hate is the wrong word. I never hated her: what I did was envy her. I would have wanted to become her, except…

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Desire

There is a gap in my spirit you only know

There is hallow space in me for you

 

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The space of me that yearns to be part of space of you

All words fail me

All prayers evaporate away as too familiar

And all I am cannot be… without you

And all you are can be only known by me

If I am not with you then where should I be?

There is a gap in my spirit you only know

There is an echo in my heart that answers” Yahweh..Yahweh”

Songs memorized sound too cliché

The pain of betrayal is rarely answered by why you were not here

But by the divine embracing me

By the one that I long for looking at me

And the pain of separation rarely does it burst in songs but finds ways to breathe

 

 

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Dependency

Complete dependency such a scary concept
We like having options
We like to be incontrol
And Independency is highly praised in our culture
It is a sign of a strong personality and success
Sometimes its out of too much confidence in ourselves
And some times its our only way out in this life, its our defense mechanism

Counslers dont praise dependency
Finance surely doesnt
Always diversify the portfolio
Dont bet on the same stock
Never put all your eggs in one basket.

But truth is
The only way we can live this life with God
Is to be truly dependent
Wholly dependent
All eggs in one basket
And yes it sounds like a risky bet
And yes it does sound pretty fragile
And yes our pride wont let us
Our  broken hearts will resist it
But it is the only way.
Dangerous
But beautiful.

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Not enough

 

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I find myself overwhelmed by the feeling of not having enough time 

The fear of missing out 

Missing out on life 

On all the could be’s and what if’s

Missing out on travelling the world

Not having enough time to dream

And if i do, there wont be enough time to live out the dream 

Not having enough time to create 

Missing out on making a difference 

An impact in this world 

It’s like i am having  a constant battle with time 

The fear that i am wasting time in the wrong direction 

 

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But if time is the all the moments I spend with you

If time is made in the moments i find you 

Then I have all the time in the world

Eternity is my limit 

 

Make me want to find you 

Make my fear is to miss out on knowing you 

Make me fear wasting my life away from you 

I desire to desire you.

 

 

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