I repent from anytime I claimed that pain shapes us

It really doesn’t, not when its  intense and tragic

Not when it breaks your heart beyond repair

Not when the heart dies and no longer feels or hears

Pain has so many levels

And maybe on a specific  pain level , level 3 or 4 perhaps

You still got room to crawl to the lord and give him space

But I am speaking about the pain that shakes you to the core

Only to leave you feeling abandoned  in a vast dark space

Only to leave you unsure of who you were, what they were, and what it all stood for

To wake up feeling that the world is a dark gloomy place

That the search for god and one’s identity is too much of a hassle and too abstract

That theology and ideas you were once ready to give your life for are now lifeless

When your soul crumbles and wants to fall on a soft warm feather bed  that doesn’t have room to feel, think or be

Pain is unbearable

Hopelessness is too

It isolates you

And the only thing that saves you is grace lots of it

The grace of a friend that reaches out , assuring your heart that even if you are on an island ,boats are available 

The grace of a lover , who stays vulnerable and patient through it all

The grace of the familiar faces in the street , the police officer always standing waving with his hands to take the left opening like our lives depend on it, everyday.

The grace of that man who rushes to you after you park, to take his well deserved money

The grace of the office boy smile welcoming you to bravely live the day

The grace of the mundane and the usual

So you take it slow

You embrace your pain and learn to attend to it when it calls

Like a small child that needs to be pampered every once in a while

You sing it lullabies in hope that it sleeps

You don’t rush it, you let it be

And on an unexpected day

when bad news suddenly find their way to you

To break your heart once again

You realise you are not in an island anymore

And boars are available

And love is stronger than death

You take a deep breath , and you fall into him

You find the one who is acquainted with grief

You find the one whose nailed hands made a boat out of the cross

only to reach you and to reassure you , you are not in an island and boats are available.

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