I am slow that I know
Never slow to notice
Never slow to understand, analyze, observe
I don’t mean stupid, not even close
I am just slow in making decisions, slow in how things internalize within me
Slow in metabolism, slow in choosing which bag I like more,
Slow in choosing who I’ll spend the rest of my life with; slow in choosing who I want to become
Slow in choosing whether I want mocha latte or plain cappuccino
Slow in all the little, slow in the huge
And to tell you the truth, it makes me frustrated most of the time with myself
I envy those ones who know what they want, and how they want it
They seem to be sure that this blouse goes with this pair of pants
And this man/woman is their man/woman of their dreams the moment they laid their eyes on them
And in restaurants they always seem to know which food to order
And they lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks of dieting, fair and square
And I envy them; it takes me usually around six month to lose 5 pounds
But here is what I discovered I am not just slow I am scared
And those people are not just quick they are brave
I know when it comes to metabolism; I am slowly learning to respect my pace
My metabolism reminds me of God in a way,
I just do my part, but they are sovereign I am telling you
At least in my case
You push and push, and keep walking
You breathe, you drink water and eat healthy and you rest well, and pray he shows up.
But he comes when he wants, and as surely as the sun rises you’ll lose the pounds
They ARE sovereign.
But when it comes to my latte versus cappuccino
When it comes to a yes or a no in marriage
It is usually fear that holds me back
Creativity is really scary
I’ve only lately discovered how much I am scared about being creative in my choices
And as I observed the logic of my thoughts when taking decisions
As I tracked them and followed the process
I’ve discovered there is a pattern.
And the pattern goes something like that,
What if I miss out on the outcome of the other choice?
And the mystery of that thought is that I am almost always 100% sure, that the other choice is as fantastic as the other one
You give me a room and ask me to decorate
Or you give me a piece of paper and ask me to write
Or ask me out
And that is seriously how it usually goes in my mind, what if I miss out on the outcome of the other choice?
And then I look at those who are quick, and assume there must be a universal rule about what color matches blue that they all know but me.
Here I said it
I ,for years, believed not in a conscious way of course, but in a very deep down in my core way
That there is a universal law about how things work that I don’t know about
They all know but me.
It’s ridiculous I know, but that’s how it works in the inside of me
But I am glad that came out in the light now
I can wear blue with green, or green with yellow now
I am not saying its haphazard and all choices are the same,
But I am saying there isn’t a universal law, shoo!
I am saying that my consciousness can rest a bit, and that all choices are possible and beautiful
I am saying it doesn’t scare me anymore to be with someone, and that someone is beautiful
I am saying I can draw a sunflower on that plain piece of paper, and believe that if I have drawn a rose it would have been as beautiful
I am saying I can hush that universal law crap, and let the holy spirit lead and the beautiful me follow.
So breathe child
Life is but a dream
A vapor really in an eternal ocean
I can rest assured in that
Where I won’t be limited and all choices can happen all at once!