Yes I always love that season, those close to me probably noticed it is usually a joyful season not just a happy day, and to that I am greatly grateful and would like that to perpetuate as long as it can.
But it is also one of the scariest seasons of my life, as that day draws nearer I usually feel anxious, I panic maybe because of my very strict conscious that doesn’t leave me alone but usually evaluates me at this time of the year.
Everything needs to be figured out at that time of the year, all aligned in a perfect geometrical shape literally; maybe a timeline too, to record the events in order ,would be a plus.
But this year, it is more difficult than any other year.
There doesn’t seem to be a continuation to last year’s timeline, I don’t see how the story builds up.
It’s as if a rectangle was being drawn, all up to this year, when the pen started moving irregularly and god knows what such an alteration will result in.
It has been quiet a dramatic year for me that includes a lot of firsts, and a horrible, what I’d like to call a, horrible breakup that really left me undone.
The breakup is not of a guy-girl relationship but of a group of dear people to my heart.
Now that I have forgave, recollected myself, and trying to draw this year’s timeline
That breakup leaves almost a gap in my line… If not the beginning of the wavering of the pen and the confusion of the heart.
I try hard to name that gap, as Adam first did, he named things.
As if a sense of relief will occur if I could just put a title to that phase
A title that would confirm that God is faithful and he knows what he is doing
Because if I can name it,I’ll be able to put it on my timeline, my perfect timeline.
But that gap reminds me of awkward silences in the midst of a conversation
awkward silences is usually an indicator of a casual relationship
But a very deep conversation was taking place, and silence between friends and loved ones should be comfortable not awkward.
But it was/is awkward.
And I miserably fail; I don’t find a name
I find that it was time of mere pain, a time where my core was being shook too hard, where my identity has been stabbed, where an awkward silence occurred between me ,myself and God.
Two of my best friends.
And though I am grateful, that I found and become more sure that I ve got nothing as worthy and precious as him at the end of this year
And though I am grateful to have witnessed the love he directed my way during that time
I yearn for a name.
To all those awkward silences in our conversations